After having been on "assignment" the past 2 weeks in Anchorage, AK, 
it's so "nice" to be back in Gainesville, where the temperature is 
constantly racing the relative humidity to see which can get into 
triple digits first........

Anyhow, I thought it would be fun to jump right back into things by 
reviewing two shows.  One of them, the musical "Smile", is no longer 
playing; and the other, "Jurassic Park III", will hopefully not be 
playing for much longer.

"Smile" is the classic Marvin Hamlisch musical from the mid-80's that 
none of you have ever heard of.  It tells the story of about 10 young 
women vying for the coveted title of Miss Young American Miss, or 
something.  And when all those high school girls get together, you 
*know* there's going to be some fun, in the form of them walking 
around wearing very few clothes.  There are some sub-plots that 
involve other things, but I forget what they are.

"Jurassic Park III" is the classic 2001 movie about idiots trying not 
to get eaten.

Since the two shows are basically the same, I thought I'd compare 
them in various artistic-type categories to see which one would be 
more worth your time to go see (bearing in mind that "Smile" is 
technically no longer playing)......


Category:   Most Intelligent Characters

-JP3:  Characters willingly go to an island infested by man-eating 
dinosuars that have a long history of eating people.  (Technically, 
the most intelligent characters in this movie were the velociraptors, 
who all have degrees from Yale....but they were disqualified when it 
was pointed out that George W. Bush also has a degree from Yale, so 
what does that really mean?)
-Smile:  Characters are mostly high school juniors.

Winner:  JP3.  


Category:  Gross tonnage

-JP3:  3,000 pounds was the weight of the average dinosaur.
-Smile:  3,000 pounds is the weight of the combined amount of 
eye makeup used by the pageant contestants.

Winner:  Tie.


Category:  Gratuitous flesh displaying

-Smile:  Cathy Jean does pseudo-striptease.  Audrey Owens does highly 
arousing "guacamole dance" while displaying massive amounts of navel.
-JP3:  Has the decency to keep Tea Leone fully clothed at all times.  
Unfortunately, it fails to realize its potential for a Laura Dern 
nude cameo scene.

Winner:  Smile.  Normally, I don't even like guacamole, but I liked 
it in this show.  Ole!


Category:  Best Animation

-JP3:  Uses state-of-the-art computer animation to create amazingly 
lifelike dinosaurs.
-Smile:  Orchestra conductor Christian St. John looked like 
an animatronic Disney character that had been hit by a massive 
power surge.

Winner:  JP3


Category:  Best Special Effects

-JP3:  Lots of dinosaurs, but it's the same old thing as the first 
two JP movies.
-Smile:  Only one real special effect, but it involves a slide show of the 
guacamole girl in her underwear.

Winner:  Smile.  I repeat: Ole!


Category:  Fewest men in drag.

-Smile: I could've sworn at least one or two of those beauty pageant 
contestants were men in drag.
-JP3:  Only woman around is Tea Leoni.

Winner:  JP3, but just barely.


Category:  Annoying Characters Getting Comeuppance

-Smile:  Annoying characters pop up throughout the show, and nothing 
much bad happens to them.
-JP3:  Annoying characters mostly get eaten early on.

Winner:  JP3


Category:  Who Wins In The End

-Smile:  Unbelievably cute Miss Bakersfield wins pageant.  I 
anxiously await the Playboy spread that will inevitably follow in a few years.
-JP3:  Most of the idiots survive, setting up the chilling 
possibility of yet another sequel.

Winner:  Smile.  Book me a ticket to Bakersfield.....one-way.


Category:  Overall Sex Appeal

-Smile:  Contains Cathy Jean, Guacamole girl, and Miss Bakersfield.
-JP3:  Contains Tea Leone, plus about .000003% Laura Dern.

Winner:  Smile.  Yeah, like this one is even close....


Category:  Most Useful Kid Character

-JP3:  Contains a kid who saves Sam Neill from the raptors.
-Smile:  Contains a kid who takes pictures of the girls in their 
underwear.

Winner:  Smile.  Again, not even close....


Cateogry:  Shortest Exposition

-Smile:  Takes about 90 minutes setting things up before the 
actual beauty pageant starts.
-JP3:  Takes about 90 seconds setting things up before the actual 
carnage begins.

Winner:  JP3


Category:  Best Overall Scene

-Smile:  Features dancing, half-naked guacamole girl.
-JP3:  Doesn't really have any good scenes.

Winner:  Smile.


Category:  Best Ending

-Smile:  Features predictable, maudlin ending
-JP3:  Features predictable, stupid ending.

Winner:  Smile




Overall Verdict

"Smile" is a heart-warming story with some sort of plot that features 
some fine-looking women wearing minimal clothing.

"Jurassic Park 3" doesn't suck quite as bad as JP2, but only because 
JP3 is a shorter movie.

I highly recommend you bypass JP3 and go see Smile instead.  That is, 
I recommend you already have seen Smile by the time you read this, 
since it's no longer playing.  And if the picture of Miss Guacamole 
in her underwear just "happens" to find its way onto the Internet, 
could someone please let me know?   :)


-john