Okay, for once and for all, here is the final word on PoE: Synopsis: Moses, the Adopted Egyptian Playboy Tycoon(tm), blows up buildings with a chariot until one day he realizes he just doesn't fit in because he never gets invited to the Pharoah's Christmas parties. (It gets very poignant when he sings "I'm Just A Lonely Jew On Christmas") Also, he gets nervous when he finds out that his father Captain Picard has a slight tilt toward infanticide. So he leaves to fight crime in the deserts of Gotham City, because they couldn't get Michael Keaton to do it a third time. Eventually, he comes back to show the evil Egyptians that infanticide is a morally repugnant practice, unless it's being committed by God, who only did it because 'sanctions', in the form of 'toads', failed to sway the bad Middle Eastern despot Sadd----er, Ramses. Then he leads his people to freedom, stopping along the way to part the Red Sea, because the guy with the ferryboat wanted six bucks a head to get them across..... Plot Analysis: This is supposed to be a generally accurate account of the life of Moses, as told to Woodward and Bernstein in the book of Exodus(tm). I'm not sure to how much time they devote to each aspect of his life in the book, but here's how it shakes down in the movie: Infant stage, being placed in a basket by mother, navigating rapids of Nile to float to safety and become adopted by Mrs. Pharoah: 12 minutes. Charioteering stage: 33 minutes Leaving home, wandering the desert, settling down, getting married, talking to burning bush stage: Also 33 minutes. Kicking Egyptian Ass and leading his people to freedom stage: Also 33 minutes. Apparently these 3 stages were of equal importance in his life. That whole 10 Commandments thing stage: 26.3 seconds The rest of his life where he leads his people to the promised land of Canada (or wherever), and later goes on to become president of the NRA: 0.00000000000 seconds. Acting Summary: Val Kilmer works well as Moses. Best line delivery is when he mocks God, saying: "'Smite them down'? Who TALKS like that???" Sandra Bullock as Miriam does a good job. Although I have to say that she didn't need to be a cartoon character to be more animated than she was in Hope Floats. Steve Martin and Martin Short as the 2 high priests, Pain and Panic. Steve Martin gives the least noticeable performance of his career since 3 Amigos. Martin Short gives the MOST noticeable performance of his career since 3 Amigos. Nuff said. Patrick Stewart as Pharaoh: He's a fine actor, but PLEASE! "Ramses, execute Picard infanticide manuever 4! Engage!" Jeff Goldblum as Aaron is quite possibly the most unconvincing Jew I've ever seen. Is there a passage in the Bible that says something like "and thus did Moses have a brother named Aaron, and lo, he was a smarmy bastard...."? During the scene where the Egyptian army was chasing them across the Red Sea, I kept waiting to hear him say, "Must go faster! Must go faster!" George Clooney as Sparky the Gay Dog: If there's an Oscar for Best Performance as a Gay Dog, he definitely deserves it. Although, personally, I'd vote for Leonardo Dicaprio, just to make a statement..... Random thoughts: It's a real tragedy that there are just no good actors out there who can actually sing, and vice-versa. So, instead of having one multitalented person for each role--sadly, none apparently exist--we have to have one person do the acting and one person do the singing. If only someone could use genetic manipulation to create some sort of Super-Entertainer who could actually do BOTH...... Is it me, or did most of the close-up animations of Moses look like they came straight out of Virtual Fighter 2??? If his face got any more blocky, he could have been in a remake of Dire Straights' Money for Nothing video. Film Quiz: Spot the logic error in this actual scene from the movie: Moses: "Look! I just made the entire Nile River turn to blood!" Aaron: "Yeah, but that doesn't prove anything, cause those priests just made strawberry Kool-Aid in a bowl...... Moses: "Oy veh." Film Quiz 2: Read the following scenario and point out which detail most taxes your suspension of disbelief. Two teenagers racing each other on horse-drawn chariots somehow manage to steer onto some scaffolding in the process of knocking down a huge hunk of rock from a giant statue. Fortunately, they are able to guide their horses and chariots down the scaffolding before being crushed by the giant slab of rock, which is helpfully slowed down by the layers of scaffolding directly above them. Now, which is least believable: A. The fact that two people using anything short of massive amounts of explosives could separate such a huge slab of rock from a giant statue. B. The fact that this scaffolding was apparently built to be wide enough to accomodate two horses running side-by-side. C. The fact that a giant slab of stone weighing tons and in a free fall was slowed down noticeably by flimsy scaffolding made of thin wood. D. The fact that the horses were so well-trained that they didn't balk at the idea of running full-speed down flimsy stairs. E. All of the above. THE CORRECT ANSWER: This was actually a bit of a trick question. The least believable part of this scenario was "F. The fact that Captain Picard ordered his men to kill little babies before he ordered other men to build this scaffolding. He's CAPTAIN PICARD, for God's sakes! He just can't DO that!!! Not even if he was a Borg again!" Final note: Overall, I give this film 2 1/2 stars out of 4. The landscape animation was awesome! The character animation was stolen from Aladdin and/or the video game Pong. Is it worth seeing? Maybe. Is it better to wait for video? Well, my philosophy is that if a movie is worth your time, then go see it on the big screen, or don't see it at all. Unless it's that Jerry Springer video of Jenny Slattery* wrestling naked in pudding with the original Broadway cast of Les Mis II: Cossette Gets Jiggy Wid' It......... *Not her real name.....well, okay, yeah it is...... :) -john