As some (3-4) of you may know, the classic (ly bad) show "Dogsbreath 
Devereaux, Dastardly Doctor" is playing through Sunday afternoon at 
the Chief Theatre in Chiefland.  (Home of the SUPER Wal-Mart).  
Obviously, since I am actually in the play, it would be wholly 
improper of me to write a review of it.  Fortunately, we were 
privileged to be reviewed by journalistic legend  Irving 
Schmaltzberg.  For those of you who slept through the 1940s and 50s, 
Mr. Schmaltzberg was the chief theatre critic at several major 
newspapers, including the Hoboken Penny Press and the Manhattan Car 
Shopper's Weekly.  He retired from active journalism in 1963, at the 
age of 57 and moved to Chiefland, where he has lived ever since.
Mr. Schmaltzberg was kind enough to come see our play and let me send 
out a copy of his review to everyone.  It's good to know that he 
hasn't lost it after all these years......




>>>Forward message follows


So, anyway, my great-grandson makes me take him to this show the 
other night....Dr. Doggie, I think it's called.  Or maybe Doggie 
Howser.  Whatever.  Anyway, it's about this evil doctor 
who goes around plotting this and pinching that.  From what I could 
tell, he mostly just stands there and sweats a lot.  Of course, 
you've got your young girls in skimpy nurse outfits, too.  Can't have 
a show without practically naked girls these days!  I swear, the 
problem today is the kids see these rock stars like the Captain and 
Tenille flashing some belly button on stage, and all of a sudden 
everybody has to be naked.  Anyway, you've got everybody up there in 
this play, and they all do their little thing, and then the play 
ends.  I think there was a story, but I forget what it was about.

As far as the acting goes, I wasn't too impressed, but I've seen 
worse....and speaking of acting, I can remember a time when it 
was a much simpler profession:  You did your lines, you got paid at 
the end of the week, and you went home.  There were no residuals or 
percentages of net profits or any of that kind of crap.  And you knew 
that all the really good actors were queers.  Now, you've got stars 
demanding $20 million a film?!?!  What the hell is that???? Anyway, 
back to this stupid doctor show....


John Bollinger as Doctor Detroit:  When did they start giving lead 
roles to fat people?  Next thing you know, they'll start letting ugly 
people in.  Not a good omen.  Anyway, this guy wasn't bad, but he was 
sweating way too much to be a queer.  Now, Spencer Tracy....you never 
saw him sweat once.....that was one talented homo.....

Kate Barnes as Nurse July:  It's sad when talented young actresses 
have to take slutty parts to pay the rent.  And let me tell you: this 
girl has quite a nice pair of talents....

Peter Orenthal James Simpson as Dr. Phil Good:  Yeah, more like Dr. 
Phil DORK.  Apparently, his job was to say his lines while staring at 
the nurses' boobies.  You couldn't really tell, but you KNOW that's 
what he was doing....

Lauren Beauchamp as Nurse Ivy Dripp:  This just went too far.  It's 
one thing to let 18-year-olds play slutty nurses, but this girl 
must've been in junior high school, for God's sake!  Too bad, too, 
because she was really a cutie....

Jennifer Rowe as Trampy the Slut:  Or maybe it was Slutty the Tramp.  
Whatever.  This chick had a really good New York accent.  It almost 
reminded me of home.  Of course, I never did like home......Anyway,
she can come play on my bassoon any day of the week......

Lara Somebody as Nurse Ratchet:  What the hell kind of name is Lara?  
I assume they meant LAURA, yes?  Another reminder for parents to 
always check their children's birth certificates for typos.  And 
where the hell did this girl get her makeup done?  Jiffy Lube????

Andy as Barney Fife:  I said all the great actors were queers....I 
never said all the queers were great actors.  Let's leave it at that.

The Other Andy as Janis Joplin:  See above.

Everyone else as Everyone Else:  Was there anybody else?  I don't 
remember.  I gotta take a leak now.

>>>End forwarded message


Well, thank you for that, Mr. Irving Schmaltzberg.  Remember, folks, 
if you didn't like it, it WAS NOT written by me.  If you'd like to 
leave your comments for Mr. Schmaltzberg, you can go to his website, 
which has an IP adress of http://128.0.0.1

:)
-john