That's right, people; Star Wars: Episode II is finally here, and after finally seeing it, I'm 
completely convinced of something I had suspected all along about the sci-fi wizard that 
is George Lucas:  "Attack of the Clones" is the dumbest title for a movie ever.

In the first place, the clones are actually helping the good guys, not attacking them.  Like 
the French & Indian War, which from the name you would think was a war that pitted the 
French against the Indians, when in fact they were both on the same side.  In the 
second place, the clones don't even show up until the very end of the movie.  In the third 
place, "Attack of the Clones" is the sort of title that Roger Corman would avoid because 
it was too campy.

But enough about the title.  How was the actual movie?  Well, it was definitely better 
than Episode I, but that's like saying getting your teeth cleaned is better than having root 
canal surgery.  The real question on everybody's mind is this:  Does Episode II deliver 
that Star Wars magic that was so lacking in Episode I?  The answer is: yes.  And no.  
Taken by itself, Episode II is a first-rate action movie.  But truly great movies aren't 
defined by action; they're defined by characterization.  And Episode II is woefully short 
on that count.

Nearly every character in Episode II is one we already know from Episode I, with the 
notable exception of the older Anakin Skywalker, and he turns out to be mostly 
annoying.  But the old characters are pretty much the same as we remember them.  Obi-
Wan is still a faithful Jedi Knight.  Amidala is still a headstrong politician.  And Jar-Jar is 
still an insulting-racial-stereotype dumbass (though there is thankfully very little of him in 
this film.)  Even the growing relationship between Padme and Anakin--a major focus of 
the film--is predictable and uninspiring.

Part of the problem is that we already know how these characters eventually will end up, 
so the element of suspense is entirely removed.  Oooh, sexual tension between Anakin 
and Padme!  I wonder if they're going to get together!  Oh, wait, I already know what 
happens there (He gets her pregnant, then abandons her in the parking lot of a Wal-
Mart.)  So how am I supposed to become emotionally invested in these characters and 
their relationship?  The answer is that their relationship has to be interesting; it has to 
draw me in and make me want to watch it develop even though I know how it turns out.  
This movie doesn't do that.  It coasts along on its action sequences, banking on the fact 
that seeing familiar characters in new adventures will be enough for most fans.

And frankly, it probably *will* be enough for most fans...but not for me, not when I know 
this series is capable of so much more.  The original Star Wars still stands as one of the 
great movies of all time...not for its action or special effects, but because it created a 
world full of characters that you could care about.  The Empire Strikes Back was a 
worthy sequel, but after that the franchise started to go downhill.  Return of the Jedi was 
a decent enough film, but in it you can see how the balance starts to shift from 
characters to action...and those damned furry things.  Don't even get me started on The 
Phantom Menace.  George Lucas had the chance to essentially start over with a whole 
new group of characters, and what does he do?  He turns out a giant Nintendo game, 
then makes it even worse by adding Jar Jar Binks, a walking insult to an entire race AND 
the intelligence of everyone watching.  George pandered so much to kids with that movie 
that the Catholic Church made him an honorary priest.  (Yeah, I know; I'll save you a 
seat in hell.)  Attack of the Clones at least manages not to blatantly offend anybody, but 
it still follows the formula--loads of action and not nearly enough character development.

In 1977, George Lucas made a movie called Star Wars.  It was a film for adults that 
could also be enjoyed by kids.  Since then, things have changed.  Maybe all that 
merchandising revenue went to George's head, because now it's the other way around:
he's making movies for kids that can also be enjoyed by adults.  Don't get me wrong; the 
latter makes for a great time...but the former makes for a great film.  I, like most people 
now on the wrong side of age 30, grew up on the Star Wars movies.  But the makers of 
the Star Wars haven't realized a very important detail:  I grew up.  Just one more time, 
I'd like to see a SW movie made for me, as a grown-up.  That means no Jar Jar, no little 
kids who save the galaxy, and no assembly-line peril scenes stolen directly from a 
Warner Brothers cartoon.

I'm asking you, George Lucas, for one small favor.  Raise the bar back up for Episode 
III.  The kids will still come to see it in droves, and they'll appreciate it a whole lot more 
when they're grown.  Trust me on this one.



And, as long as I'm rambling....

RANDOM OBSERVATIONS on "Attack of the Clones"

-Now, I'm not a Jedi Master or anything, but if somebody brings a 10-year-old kid to me 
who's full of pent-up anger and rage and all sorts of unresolved women issues, my first 
thought is going to be, "You know, this kid needs a year or three in therapy before he 
gets anywhere *near* a light saber."

-Follow-up to previous observation:  And if he's still exhibiting wild and dangerous 
behavior at age 20, maybe it's time to re-evaluate whether Jedi Knight is an appropriate 
career choice for him.

-Now, I'm not a political analyst or anything, but did anybody else notice that Senator 
Amidala's primary political function seemed to involve completely changing outfits every 
5 minutes?

-They show Hayden Christiansen's nipples, but not Natalie Portman's?  This is exactly 
the type of Hollywood double standard that blatantly oppresses women and needs to be 
fixed ASAP.  Preferably before the "director's cut" comes out on DVD...

-So, Anakin's mother died of what exactly?  The stress of being untied?

-Kudos to Sam Jackson for having the courage to "come out" with his character Mace 
Windu and his lavender light saber.  I guess there are really 3 sides of The Force: the 
Light Side, the Dark Side, and the Rainbow Side.

-That Trade Federation Viceroy tried, but the execution scene would've been better if 
they had actually gotten Scott Evil to deliver the line, "Why don't we just shoot 'em?"

-I think we all owe Luke Skywalker an apology.  We used to laugh at him for being such 
a whiny little twit...turns out it was all a genetic thing.

-Now, I'm not a Harvard MBA or anything, but if you were a company that got a bazillion-
dollar contract to build a clone army for somebody, wouldn't you want to keep in touch 
with your client more often than, say, once every ten years?  It just seems like a 3-
minute phone call every few months would make everybody more comfortable.  "Hi, 
how's the wife and kids?  Oh, yes, your clone army is coming along nicely.  We'll keep in 
touch.  Ta."

-Who knew Yoda could move like that?  He must have been taking lessons from Miss 
Piggy at the Muppet Martial Arts Academy.

-I hate to end on a somber note, but I feel I have to.  At the close of the movie, Yoda 
talked about how the curtain of Dark Side had descended all around them.  I finally 
realized what he was referring to:  the fact that whiny bastard Anakin Skywalker is 
getting some sweet, sweet Natalie Portman love and I'm not.  It's just wrong, I tells ya!!!

:)
-john