"Cabaret," now playing at the ART through September 28, is the story of--okay, it's not so much a story of anything as it is a bunch of girls dancing around in skimpy outfits. And that would have been fine with me, but the shmoes who wrote this play decided it needed some sort of "plot", and the result is a very uneven show. The story deals with Cliff Bradshaw, a budding novelist from America who comes to Germany during the Pre-World War II era because there was nothing to watch on television at that point in history. His first night in Berlin, he meets Sally Bowles, an unbelievably sexy nightclub singer who exudes so much sexiness that it's almost...unbelievable. Then, in a totally surprising plot twist, the two of them become romantically involved. Meanwhile, there's also a romance going on between two old people; which is quite frankly the last thing I want to see immediately after I've just watched a bunch of scantily clad young women shaking their groove thing (whatever that means.) And what of the not-particularly-mysterious Ernst Ludwig? What is the secret political organization he works for, here in Germany in the early 1930's? Hmmm, what could it possibly be? I guess we'll just have to wait until Act II to find out. And speaking of Ernst, why is he taking English lessons from our hero Cliff, when it seems to me Ernst's English is pretty darn good already. Maybe he should be taking German lessons. And Lord knows he's not the only one... Anyway, the various subplots continue back-and-forth, interspersed with Cabaret numbers that get weirder and weirder as the show goes along, until it all finally culminates in a cathartic rush of Who The Hell Cares? Ironically, all the time spent on the Cabaret scenes kills the rest of the show. We don't have time to get invested in the relationship between Cliff and Sally, so we don't care how it turns out. And don't even get me started on Fraulein Schneider and Herr Schultz. Their relationship fails to be inspiring, or even interesting (Hey, maybe her love for him will overcome her fear, and together they can--oops, maybe not.) And what is up with Fraulein Kost? Why is this character even in the play? So they can throw in some unnecessary, unamusing prostitute/sailor moments? I say get rid of her and use the extra time on all the other woefully-underdeveloped subplots. To put it succinctly, the show can be broken down into two parts: -The good parts (Sally and the other girls dancing luridly.) -The really, really boring parts (Everything else.) There may have been a couple good scenes that didn't involve dancing girls, but darned if I can remember what they are. As for this production of Cabaret, it was also rather uneven. There are some wonderful performances here, but also some that just don't cut it. I'll only mention the really good ones here, because every time I mention the bad ones, people get mad at me. -Alvarez Caron is nearly flawless as Sally Bowles, far and away the highlight of the show. She fits into the role perfectly, and does a wonderful job acting, singing, and dancing. In fact, during a scene where she was dancing on a chair, I'm pretty sure her legs actually violated several laws of physics AND plane geometry. Plus, with her hair the way it was, she had this synergetic, half-cute/half-sexy thing going on that was just....some adjective that hasn't been invented yet that means really sexy and also delicious, only not "sexy-licious" because that sounds too contrived. -Damien Smith does quite a respectable job as Cliff Bradshaw, the writer who captures Sally's heart. But what if Sally were a real person? She couldn't be with Cliff, because he's just a fictional character. Let's think of some other writers she might want to make sweet, sweet love to. There really aren't that many; I can only think of two: Ernest Hemingway, who is dead; or me, who is alive. Yes, I think we can all agree that Sally could really go for a writer like me--someone who could appreciate her eyes and her hair, and the way she seductively slides her legs across that chair.....oh, yes....come on over here, baby, and let me be your Barca-lounger....aw, yeah....[10-minute pause]. You see, that's exactly the kind of rich, full fantasy life we writers enjoy. The real world is much different. For example, if Sally were indeed a real person, she would be married, or a lesbian. If God were in a particularly jolly mood that day, she would be married TO a lesbian. I realize this section was supposed to be about Damien Smith, but if he cares that much about it, he can write his own damn review. -Jonathan Gravely does a good job as the MC, a character that can best be described as Dieter from SNL's "Sprockets" dressed as Pennywise the clown from Stephen King's "It," but about 12 times more gay. If you think that sounds really, really weird, you are completely correct; but it seems to work, once you get past the whole scary aspect of it. -And, of course, we can't forget the dancing girls. I liked them all, although my favorite, in terms of "talent," was probably Helga. In fact, as soon as they came on stage, I started to realize this show would have been a perfect place to wear my classy-yet- comfortable "Owner of a Boner" t-shirt. Then I realized I don't actually have a t-shirt that says that, which is probably just as well. I also liked all of the waitresses; and I was happy to see that Alisha Giampola is finally playing Frenchie the way she should have been played in "Grease" at GCP a few months back. -There were a few other people who weren't bad, but I don't remember their names, and I can't figure out what happened to my program that was right here just minutes ago. -Oh, and Kate asked me to mention that it really is her in the gorilla suit, and if you meet her outside after the show, she'll be happy to let you spank the monkey. Although, now that that I think about it, she didn't really say anything about the show....just the part about spanking the monkey. Hmmm. In conclusion, this is a production that runs across all the points on the quality spectrum. There's a top-notch leading lady, but also some pretty mediocre performances. The show itself is a collection of undeveloped story lines and mostly forgettable songs. I can't blame that on this production, although I do think better performances in some roles would have significantly improved the show. I don't enthusiastically recommend you go see it, but there are some bright spots that might make it worth your time. The dancing girls are fun, and ART thoughtfully lets you pay everything up front, instead of one quarter at a time. Personally, I may go again just to watch Alvarez Caron. If anybody wants to go with me, let me know; I'll have some special t-shirts made up. :) -john