6 Degrees O' Kevin Bacon¹

This is a game that I thought up one lonely Thursday night, while all the really trendy people were gathered together watching "Friends". I believe it was the episode where Rachel showed off her trendy wardrobe as she went around doing trendy things, while Ross sat at home in his trendy socks pretending to read a trendy novel, while the rest of the cast spouted trendy lines and otherwise engaged in trendy activities while they waited for their trendy hairstylist to arrive to give them the latest, trendiest hairstyles, so they would look nice for their millions of loyal, trendy fans as they walked off the set until the producers gave them more money. Or maybe it was "Seinfeld"....

The great thing about this game is that you can play it alone, or with a group of people. The even better thing is that it costs virtually nothing to play! All you need are a few simple items you probably already have around your house....That's it! Not like other costly board games, where you can spend upwards of $30 for a simple board, some plastic pieces, and several inflatable items of a sexual nature.²

Okay, now on to the game. Here's a list of everything you'll need. As I said, you should be able to find most of this stuff just lying around your house:

• A six-sided die
• A piece of paper and a pencil
• A stopwatch (A regular watch will also work)
• Any large, heavy blunt object
• A walk-in freezer
• Kevin Bacon

The Rules

The rules are very simple. To start, roll the die to see who goes first. In the event of a tie, whoever is holding the large, heavy blunt object goes first. Whoever is keeping score should write down everyone's name on the piece of paper in a legible manner.

The object of the game is to get Kevin Bacon down to 6 degrees Fahrenheit in the shortest amount of time. Whoever goes first should take the large, heavy blunt object and hit Kevin Bacon over the head with it until he loses consciousness. The player then drags Kevin Bacon into the walk-in freezer and lock him in, and proceed to adjust the temperature setting on the freezer to six degrees. While waiting for Kevin Bacon's body temperature to drop, the player should stand around singing show tunes. Heterosexual men insecure about their sexuality are permitted to sing more traditionally manly songs, such as Bruce Springsteen's Born In The USA, or Ike Turner's Slap That Bitch3. As soon as Kevin Bacon's body temperature reaches 6 degrees, the player's time should be recorded, and Kevin Bacon should be thawed out for the next player. Continue until all players have had a turn. The winner is the person with the shortest time.

Variations on the game

There are several different ways to play the game, so you can tailor it to fit your particular group:

• Team play: Divide into teams of 2 or more. Each person completes a different part of the game (i.e. One person renders Kevin Bacon unconscious, another person drags him into the freezer, etc.)
• Beginner's game: Recommended for children and people with physical disabilities. Players are allowed to use stun guns and tazer darts to incapacitate Kevin Bacon; also, players can use mechanical aids, such as a forklift, to get Kevin Bacon into the freezer.
• Expert's game: For experienced players who want more of a challenge, change the rules so that you now have to get Kevin Bacon's body temperature down to 6 degrees Kelvin.
• Fast game: For when you want to play, but don't have a lot of time. Instead of using a freezer, players pour liquid nitrogen on an unconscious Kevin Bacon. The challenge is not to pour too much, or you may actually have to wait for Kevin Bacon to THAW up to 6 degrees, which could hurt your score.

Legal Notices

• All company and products names mentioned herein are trademarks of their respective corporate megaconglomerate oppressor robber barons. Except for "Kevin Bacon", which is hereby copyrighted by me, so if you want to use it, send in your money now.
• Important Note To Men Who Are Playing The "Fast Game" Version: Do NOT get drunk and pour the liquid nitrogen down your pants in an attempt to give yourself a permanent erection. No matter how much of a good idea it may seem like at the time.
• This is not a real game. Do not attempt to actually play it. Although if you needed to be told that, there's no way you would have been able to successfully operate a computer and navigate to this page, so it's probably a moot point.

¹ This game is in no way affiliated with the game known as "6 Degrees OF Kevin Bacon", which is totally and completely different, and which was absolutely in no way whatsoever any sort of inspiration in the creation of this game. I swear on this Bible, which is absolutely in no way whatsoever any sort of disguised Tom Clancy novel with a fake cover.

² Go to your nearest Toys R Us (tm) store and look in the "Erotic Board Games" aisle. It should be next to the Naughty Legos (tm) Section. If you still can't find it, please don't hesitate to ask one of their friendly sales associates for assistance. Don't mention my name.

³ As far as I know, Ike Turner does not actually have a song called Slap That Bitch, but I was just thinking that it would be cool if somebody did a song with that name, and it could be done the tune of Madonna's Who's That Girl and it could actually be about Madonna because, quite frankly, she really needs to be slapped. I mean, for God's sakes, did YOU ever sit at home thinking to yourself, "You know, what the world really needs more than anything is an extended dance-remix version of 'Don't Cry For Me, Argentina'...?" Me neither.